”Oh I hate myself”, an echo came from the addiction group I mentor.
Gasps, chairs moving heads turned to make sure they heard that right, and he said it again, ”I hate myself again and again”.
They were astonished by his words but every addict at least once in their sobre moods attest to the fact that they truly hate themselves or hated that’s why they succumb deeper and deeper to repress, suppress the hate feeling.
”Oh it’s very good to hate oneself, actually yesterday I went on a quest to find out what hate is, why we hate and found some answers which may be of help”.
Blowing trumpet: You see in my classes, which depend whether online or offline, online ones being more of one-on-one sessions unless otherwise, I always chime in.
I know some counsellors who sit there nodding gorgeously.
You know, I have been encouraged to be a psychologist because I couldn’t deal with my situations, I just couldn’t get past my hate, depression and other deadly addictions, non-alcoholic, of course – curious you!
The whole group looked at me others with doubt when I declared how much of self-hate I suffered.
They seemed excited to know the story and I know you’re too nosy as usual. Haha.
I had to deal with a lot of things and grow up so fast than I had ever expected.
I set my bars in life too high yet I felt like nothing was working.
The depression I suffered was as a result of the hate I endured from myself always belittling and talking down on myself.
I’d plan something fail to execute then sit down to hit myself on the head maybe after ”sleeping off my idea”.
As the day came to a close, I’d be so pissed at myself beyond measure.
Isn’t it ironical when someone told you they once hated themselves so much?
I have hated myself so dearly I even made videos which confused my awesome daughter profusely.
”I don’t understand how and why you’d tell us to hate ourselves yet you’re the greatest advocate for self and true love mum?”, she reminisced.
I had to explain to her how I’m going to explain to you – not that you don’t understand or I think you’re fools but it’s because it’s a bit ironical and most of you love straightforwardness and not bush meanders, right?
Hate according to Wikipedia, which I know mustn’t be where I get definitions but this one was spot on: is a deep and extreme emotional dislike especially invoking feelings of anger or resentment. Can be directed against individuals, groups, entities, objects, behaviours or ideas. See?! Ideas!
Merriam Webster on the other hand defines hate as an intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from anger, fear or sense of injury.
I have hated myself for a number of reasons:
- I’d set my bar high as I said earlier then fail to do.
2. I’d simply tell myself, ”You cannot do that, you’re kidding, right?”.
3. I’d seek others’ approval all the time – is this a good idea?
4. I’d belittle or laugh at myself always.
5. I’d squeeze myself to fit in other person’s schedule.
The result of which is more hate to self, more hate to wake up to do and more hate to my well-being so mostly I’d sleep on the couch.
I also disliked to be in a position of belief.
After snapping out of my scenario, (just continuing with the story), I learnt some few lessons which is why I went on a long quest to learn, read and educate. You already know I love to educate you, right?
WORDS OF THE DAY: Self hate is sometimes used as a coping mechanism – as a consolation so that one doesn’t take any challenges or challenging steps or roles to better themselves.
Self hate is something deep rooted in your mind and you must learn to find out your root cause otherwise it’ll embed itself for decades never leaving.
Self hate is sometimes used to protect against disappointment from situations in the family where one feels abandoned or not loved enough.
I have been there too.
I was told I wasn’t lucky and that ingrained in me some sense of lack of confidence that no matter what I do, I’ll never be lucky enough.
It kind of slowed my mentality yet people thought I was so self- confident.
I lacked in some areas of life ; street smarts.
Self hate can make you set your goals too low so as to achieve them.
In my case, I set them too high but was unwilling to put in the right foot to get work done. You see where I said, squeezing myself to fit into others’ life? Yes, I always did that.
I loved to do what others were telling me to please them.
I even waited around for a man who would never be anything to me other than a good friend, a very good friend.
When we went to places he was comfortable calling me his friend, the woman he helps while I had it in my head that one day we would be together. What a shame!
Then I kept blaming myself all the time when we’d argue that I was wrong to even think that way – desperation to be with someone was too high on my list. I was tired of being a single mum.
Did I tell you that I had a self-sabotage plan into place?
When I talk to people in small conferences where my services are needed, I talk about this plan and some of them are aghast some come to me so I can further explain.
Others are so scared to be in a position of self-sabotage while others are in denial.
That they didn’t know what they were doing had, has a name!
Every time I went to bed, I wished the sun would remain in heaven for so long because getting out of bed meant I was defeated.
I also loved to shop a lot instead of investing all the wealth I had- it was never enough.
I loved to over-compensate with what I didn’t make.
When I worked these plans especially one that asked: Curious Questions to ASK
- When did it all begin?
2. Why do you not love to do?
3. What do you feel when you don’t follow your plans to success?
4. What do you tell yourself all day, how does it affect your brains or productivity?
5. What are my aspirations, goals in life?
6. How do I challenge my inner voice?
7. How do I talk greatness in my life no matter?
8. How do I appreciate myself?
9. Can I say the word ”I hate you” to someone so loudly? Why did I say so? What bad thing did the person do to make me hate them that much?
Is that the same level of hate I’d love to give to myself?
10. How can I clear and clean my mind to start on a clean slate?
What I learnt about Hating Myself:
- I realised everything has to be FORGIVEN.
2. I had to bounce back, accept my faults and slowly work on how I was going to resolve each and every fault.
3. I took my pen and paper( yes, I’d rather write down in a book than type), the computer never gives me the freedom to include arrows and badly drawn diagrams, haha.
I wrote each and everything I felt that day and I have felt about me hating myself.
I took my time so that I left nothing undone.
4. I decided to start from defining hate,
5. understanding hate
6. Why I hated myself
7. What are the scenarios that make me hate myself more?
8. I listened to myself speak for weeks and each time I spoke, I’d write it down. I’m sure those who followed(close) to me thought I was finally going mad because I love to say, ”I’m mad”, Oh I have been told severally so I believed, nowadays, I use ”mad” as a joke.
9. Where was the hate coming from?
10. I challenged every negativity that I wrote.
11. I wrote how it affected areas of my life I’d so wish to discard.
POWERFUL QUESTION: I asked myself: how would I love to live my life?
How can I stop self sabotage plans?
What are my beliefs? Are they true?
Can I break free of my beliefs?
Then I came up with a plan called MENTAL HEALTH FITNESS: GET IN THE RIGHT MINDSET IN JUST 30 DAYS A PROVEN WAY FOR OVERCOMING SELF-LOATH .
A product induced with a lot of actionable steps, printable workout sheets, mental health fitness programmes