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Do you hate your bed?

It’s so unusual to hate the bed.

It’s even more unusual to hate a day’s end.

Darkness holds a dark part in my life: it’s scary, dark, silent, threatening and upsetting or it did.

I hold the official record of someone who has endured so much in so little time.

But every time, each situation taught me something new. Darkness did too.

I learnt how to make my days productive as my nights.

I learnt how to appreciate.

I learnt to never panic.

I learnt to not be anxious.

I suffer from panic attacks; new situations, crowded places, noisy places, new people can make cringe so long. I’d rather be indoors.

I learnt how to breathe, taking it easy.

I learnt to stop surveying my surroundings but hold my head high as I walk.

And I learnt where and why I feared the dark.

 

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When night time reached, I wished the sun wouldn’t stop.

I  cried my eyes out, my heart out I feared a lot of what the following day would bring.

I lived a very chaotic life.

I saw myself running away from something but that something wasn’t so clear.

I couldn’t switch off the lights (not that I do nowadays) but the horror was terrifying, real life nightmare.

By the time morning reached, I’d have swollen eyelids, I wouldn’t find strength so I spent half the day(noon) sleeping and wishing away all the horrible stuff.

Clearly, I was running mad but in those moments of insanity I decided whatever I was crying for, was not worth it.

A man had severely broken my heart and the heartbreak was too strong to bear, I had to keep facing the day because I had a child – I’m always a child.

Learning all the time.

It wasn’t the first time he had broken my heart, his words hurt, rung inside my ears like an annoying doorbell yet I kept running back to him when I had a challenge.

As I sat down one day, I asked myself why I’m crying always, why I feel a gap in my heart if that what I was feeling was love.

Why it hurt so bad yet love doesn’t,

                                                             love is calming let them not lie to you.

There was no connection, I was dreaming too fast, ahead of myself even the man had said that himself – my intensity scared him.

He didn’t deserve me and vice versa but I never learnt.

As always with women, I thought he’d change at some point in his life, he never did, he never would.

A simple question like what do you want from my life would be met with no answer but another question which to me sounded rude.

Yet, he was my only hope.

He was the only man I ever fell in love with and it wasn’t easy.

I saw bleak, blackout, horror, scarcity, a black hole and all the red fire warning signs every night.

I held my hand to my chest one day crying and it was a passionate cry,

”Oh God, please help me, help me forget this pain I don’t want to hold any grudges because they waste my time, energy and effort.

Let this be a lesson to myself, but after all, I regret nothing, I’m happy I fell in love.

For now, I’d love to fall in love with myself more before I can open up for more love adventure”.

I let the bleak go.

You see, the way you wake up to social media breakfasts then feel angry at the politicians and leaders and the rich is the same way you will feel every night when you go to sleep angry, annoyed at your boss, work.

Create a mentality, a plan of how you want to end your day.

You’ll wake up feeling a million dollars even when down to 10 dollar bill.

Go to bed early don’t be a night owl, that encourages grumpy emotions.

Make love with your partner or kiss goodnight.

If you’re like me with no partner, go kiss the mirror then your children goodnight and give them very warm hugs.

Speak to your mind that every morning you’ll look forward.

Encourage yourself that everything is short-lived so if you’re working a shitty job but gearing towards a better one, keep keeping your head high and start to love the job.

I have seen a lot of miracles with attitude changes.

Attitude is a tool too, choose to have a positive one no matter what. Make it a part of your daily plan. 

Always give thanks to yourself, colleagues and kids for making the day productive even if it was uneventful.

I always believe there has to be something that worked out fine.

Keep positive no matter what.

If you need to cry, don’t wait for the night cry in the dark, cry whenever and wherever they can call you all the names in the world

Look at yourself on the mirror while you cry, you’ll end up laughing.

Rising up, is always a strong reason enough. Even the rising sun says so.

Create a plan to always carry a smile, in your sleep as well.

Take a long rest you deserve it.

Tell yourself great things when you go to sleep. I always pray.

You have to appreciate yourself to have energy to wake up.

When you see the following day, have a reason to smile not moan.

If you have any challenges, talk to someone you trust – don’t bottle things up.

Accept what cannot be changed.

Hope is strong – have hope always.

Change situations in your life which make you complain always.

Want to know the prayer I say before going to bed? It’s a strong affirmation prayer but if you’re an atheist I can offer you an alternative.

Have you ever had of a going to bed affirmation?

Productive nights are as important as mornings. How you go to sleep inspires your morning and vice versa, only attract great vibes. 

Get your going to bed affirmation, print, post it somewhere or use as part of your planner or bullet journal, checklist, quote, purpose.

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